Is love a necessity or a luxury?

November 13, 2014

woman-with-tissueWhen we go through heartbreak, a lot of emotions bubble up. For some of us, the loudest emotion might be resentment. We feel like we have given so much and received a big fat energy drain of un-appreciation and being taken advantage of in return! There are feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy. We feel that if we had been better, done more, or listened to our inner wisdom, things would be different.

There is also anger. We feel like it has to be—must be—the other person’s fault. Sometimes we might even feel like our lives would be perfect if the other person just loved us like we loved them! And sometimes, the anger is even directed at ourselves.  And from there, as the self-loathing and anger ensue, we are left with a feeling of worthlessness. We may beat ourselves up, telling ourselves that we “deserved what we got.” The truth is that we feel unworthy about having anything more than the bare minimum.

Combine these emotions with the thought that “all you need is love” and you might end up feeling really, really low. As you feel really bad about yourself and your circumstances, you may even wallow in your own sorrow. You might not even be able to see your way out of your own despair and you might blame yourself for being in love, for trusting someone else, and for not protecting your heart enough.

candlesYou might feel that “all you need is love” to feel better, but here’s the thing… Love is not a necessity. A necessity (oxygen, food, water, etc) is essential for survival.  But love—especially romantic love–is something that is so much more than a need. Love is a luxury. It is a luxury to experience love, love someone, and be loved.  It is a luxury to be in your own version of relationship heaven. Even though it may feel like the complete opposite at time, we do not need romantic love to survive.

Whether we know it or not, many of us will take care of other people (aka “LOVE” them) for our own survival. We unconsciously go through the motions of doing things disguised as love so that we will receive something in return. It goes back to thinking that if we are good enough or if we “do the right thing,” we will be rewarded. In this way, many of us use “love” as a way to survive.  Even if we simply want to be acknowledged for being a good person, a good lover, a good cook, etc, if we expect anything in return from the person we are giving “love” to, it is not love. It is grasping out of fear for our own survival.

Sure, these gestures may have started off as love, but at some point in a relationship, one or both people will keep score. We feel like we are obligated to do things for our partner and in return, we expect to be treated a certain way. When things do not go as we like them to go, resentment starts brewing and accusations start flying!

And sadly, this is what happens when love turns into an obligation, or something that we do because we feel our survival is threatened. We feel like if we do not do what we are obligated to do then our whole world will fall apart. People (our families, friends, coworkers, and partners) may not like us as much. We might lose popularity or be judged for not doing the right thing. (We have a perception that our survival is threatened.)

And in the case of heartbreak and in the inevitable resentment and bitterness that follows, we are often feeling the effects of the other person not giving us what we gave them first. We might feel like we went above and beyond for this person—only to feel that it was never ever reciprocated. We may not have done anything wrong, but the problem was that we gave from a place of trying to make ourselves whole. We were searching for love outside of ourselves. We were in survival mode thinking that we needed the other person’s love and approval.

And when we did that, we gave our power away to someone else. When we give our power away to another person, we are setting ourselves and our relationship up for failure. Love is a luxury. A luxury that you can give to yourself every day. When we love ourselves, we attract and manifest results that we love.  How can you show yourself some love today?
rosesAre you dealing with heartbreak right now?  Do you see that you are constantly giving your power away and using love as a necessity—a survival tactic—and not as a luxury? If you are ready to heal your heart and create the luxury of love in your life, I am here to assist you with a free Love Life Makeover Session. You can read more about this service and apply for your free session here. 

1 Comment. Leave new

Great article! Very timely for me! Even us coaches need reminders to keep our perspectives clear!!!

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